Love beautiful is not. But the outcome is extraordinarily beautiful!

High Key Hearts

That is my quote above in the title.  I remember one day long ago thinking.  ” this love business sucks and it isn’t all that people make it out to be.” I was in my late 20’s.  In a conversation with my dad about love I found the answer to my attitude about love.  I wasn’t actually looking for the answer since I thought I knew what it was.  But in his profound wisdom I found that what ever I thought I knew was wrong and it bothered me. If we go to the bible and read Corinthians 13 we see what love is in its true meaning.  It is not Valentine’s day and boxes of chocolate and expensive dinners.  It is a tremendous sacrifice that we make for those we profess our love to.  Now at 45 I can say that I have actually discovered what LOVE is and isn’t.  So it took me 20+ years to see what my dad talked about.  Here is the passage from the bible.  I know there are many version but I chose this one to use as my example.  Taken from 

 Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end. But if there are prophecies, they will be done away with; if tongues, they will fall silent; and if knowledge, it will be done away with. For we know only imperfectly, and we prophesy imperfectly;but once perfection comes, all imperfect things will be done away with. When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, and see things as a child does, and think like a child; but now that I have become an adult, I have finished with all childish ways.  Now we see only reflections in a mirror, mere riddles, but then we shall be seeing face to face. Now I can know only imperfectly; but then I shall know just as fully as I am myself known.  As it is, these remain: faith, hope and love, the three of them; and the greatest of them is love. 

Now take a look at my title.  None of these things are beautiful, they are indeed some of the hardest things we have had to endure. Love is knowing that I might get hurt or rejected. Loving means taking a chance with my heart wide open on something I am afraid of.  Love is never being angry but instead putting aside my feelings and thoughts for someone who at that particular time may be hurting my being, my soul.  Love is simple sacrifice of oneself for another, and we know that is not simple. I think of this when I cannot seem to wrap my brain around my husbands ex wife’s ways of thinking or reasoning.  Mostly with regards to the well being of her daughter.  I know she loves her she is her mother but at times I wonder why a mother would put her needs before those of their child.  This can make me angry, but love is what I need to put me in a place where I can sort it out and think to myself, she is only human.  I have been a mom longer and I have made my share of mistakes and probably my share of selfishness with my own daughter.  But never did I do anything with out her in mind. I must love and reflect on my husbands ex wife’s life and accept her for who she is.  The more I do this the more I see a person not so unlike myself at times. A human being that is hurting and carrying around her own life and her own set of reasons for what ever I see that might not sit well with me. Who am I to judge that? The more I love the more I see the world in a way that is non threatening. It is sad sometimes but I am not afraid, not like I used to be. That is where the second part of my title comes in.  The outcome of our love and acceptance of what love really is, is EXTRAORDINARY! It really is.  If you can achieve this level of love and acceptance for others your life is at peace. Why because you are no longer fighting against yourself. You see the world in all its glory and all its darkness. The sunshine and the shadows you always avoid. It is humanity you see with it’s broken heart on it’s sleeve.  I am not perfect and I still doubt the things my dad explained and oh holy crap it gets hard.  But if you live every day with this in mind it might not be so bad when you come across something not so beautiful.  You might be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel( more on this in another post) and realize that your reward your outcome of such sacrifice is indeed BEAUTIFUL.  

Love yourself a little more each day.  




Peeps and Chirps

Today was a terrible day for being outside.  I live in Austin,Texas where every year the seasonal allergies kill me.  No joke cedar pollen is horrible this time of year.  Everyday I feel tired and all I want to do is sleep.  Remember that post where I told you all about my daughter? Well the joys of being impulsive can sometimes bring good things.  Where the thoughts of a person with bipolar disorder go and how they are processed and perceived is not at all what we would normally do.  But if it is used in a positive way they show you a thing or two. My daughter decided to surprise me with two little chicks!  I had already decided I wanted a couple of chickens but as with any animal I like to be prepared for them.  She tells me “they are like kids mom, they don’t come with instructions you just raise them”  She is 23 years old and I swear sometimes I think she is still a teenager.  Now I am the proud mother of two chicks and I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to be doing with them.  Thank God for Youtube and Google!  Stick with me and find out how great this can be. If you have any comments or advice on how to raise chick I am all ears! 


This past Christmas I turned 45. Age is just a number to me now, mostly because it’s how I feel that determines my view on age. Besides, I couldn’t tell you how any age feels beyond my 45 years and 21 days. What I know for certain, is that age is all about you and how you view life.

I was hoping this year was better than the last 5 years, but now I am not sure. Two days ago I was very discouraged with everything. I always preach that you just have to make yourself do what needs to be done and that’s that. I told myself that last night, but as I started to think about all the changes I need to make I was overwhelmed to say the least. I of course have the “standard” goals for the year just like every one does. I need to go to the gym, eat better and love more. But what is hard is knowing that my life and the goals I set are not at all up to me. Some would say they are, but I don’t see how. I have a wonderful husband whom I adore with all my heart and a beautiful daughter and step daughter. The thing is my daughter suffers from bipolar disorder and my step daughter is ADHD. I am overwhelmed at times. My daughter is 23 and a great being but the impulsive and reckless nature of the disorder can really be devastating, not only for the family but for her. My step daughter is 12 and a very creative girl who is very intelligent but her grades would have you believe something else. I adore her father and to tell you the truth he is a God send. Imagine having not only the same things in common but also being able to help each other through raising our daughters without reproach. When couples with children re marry the one thing that is most difficult is being able to relate to the others child. Aside from being the natural parents, you don’t see it much and I am lucky to have that with him. It not only helps us but makes out relationship stronger.

I will leave you all with this. Always tell yourself that life is only what you make of it and that is no joke. Instead of looking at things and trying to change them stop and reflect on what you can live with under the circumstances. It is the only way to step back and breath. This is one of my goals this year. What can I truly live with and what do I need to work on. This includes my job as a mother and a wife. It is something small to look forward to when it seems like there is nothing to look forward to.