Love beautiful is not. But the outcome is extraordinarily beautiful!

High Key Hearts

That is my quote above in the title.  I remember one day long ago thinking.  ” this love business sucks and it isn’t all that people make it out to be.” I was in my late 20’s.  In a conversation with my dad about love I found the answer to my attitude about love.  I wasn’t actually looking for the answer since I thought I knew what it was.  But in his profound wisdom I found that what ever I thought I knew was wrong and it bothered me. If we go to the bible and read Corinthians 13 we see what love is in its true meaning.  It is not Valentine’s day and boxes of chocolate and expensive dinners.  It is a tremendous sacrifice that we make for those we profess our love to.  Now at 45 I can say that I have actually discovered what LOVE is and isn’t.  So it took me 20+ years to see what my dad talked about.  Here is the passage from the bible.  I know there are many version but I chose this one to use as my example.  Taken from http://www.catholic.org. 

 Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end. But if there are prophecies, they will be done away with; if tongues, they will fall silent; and if knowledge, it will be done away with. For we know only imperfectly, and we prophesy imperfectly;but once perfection comes, all imperfect things will be done away with. When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, and see things as a child does, and think like a child; but now that I have become an adult, I have finished with all childish ways.  Now we see only reflections in a mirror, mere riddles, but then we shall be seeing face to face. Now I can know only imperfectly; but then I shall know just as fully as I am myself known.  As it is, these remain: faith, hope and love, the three of them; and the greatest of them is love. 

Now take a look at my title.  None of these things are beautiful, they are indeed some of the hardest things we have had to endure. Love is knowing that I might get hurt or rejected. Loving means taking a chance with my heart wide open on something I am afraid of.  Love is never being angry but instead putting aside my feelings and thoughts for someone who at that particular time may be hurting my being, my soul.  Love is simple sacrifice of oneself for another, and we know that is not simple. I think of this when I cannot seem to wrap my brain around my husbands ex wife’s ways of thinking or reasoning.  Mostly with regards to the well being of her daughter.  I know she loves her she is her mother but at times I wonder why a mother would put her needs before those of their child.  This can make me angry, but love is what I need to put me in a place where I can sort it out and think to myself, she is only human.  I have been a mom longer and I have made my share of mistakes and probably my share of selfishness with my own daughter.  But never did I do anything with out her in mind. I must love and reflect on my husbands ex wife’s life and accept her for who she is.  The more I do this the more I see a person not so unlike myself at times. A human being that is hurting and carrying around her own life and her own set of reasons for what ever I see that might not sit well with me. Who am I to judge that? The more I love the more I see the world in a way that is non threatening. It is sad sometimes but I am not afraid, not like I used to be. That is where the second part of my title comes in.  The outcome of our love and acceptance of what love really is, is EXTRAORDINARY! It really is.  If you can achieve this level of love and acceptance for others your life is at peace. Why because you are no longer fighting against yourself. You see the world in all its glory and all its darkness. The sunshine and the shadows you always avoid. It is humanity you see with it’s broken heart on it’s sleeve.  I am not perfect and I still doubt the things my dad explained and oh holy crap it gets hard.  But if you live every day with this in mind it might not be so bad when you come across something not so beautiful.  You might be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel( more on this in another post) and realize that your reward your outcome of such sacrifice is indeed BEAUTIFUL.  

Love yourself a little more each day.  

 

 

Advertisements

Roller Coasters and such

I freaking hate roller coaster!  There is not one part of one that I like.  You wait forever in line for what seems like forever to be on a ride that lasts only a few minutes.  What is the purpose of that?  You wait for someone to push a button and send you off on a very excruciating journey of nausea and deathly fear.  The moment you level off the car plunges to what seems like your death, and you do think your are dead or have been injured in a car wreck.  That was my weekend with my daughter.  I forgot  to mention that episodes come in waves just like the turns and upside down positions of a roller coaster.  What was it this time?  Well she is not working right now for whatever reason and it always seems to be my fault as far as her feelings go.  I never make her feel better or that I really am concerned.  I do admit that I am not and never was one of those moms that baby talks.  I talk according to my mood or conversation, AND according to your age and my level of respect for you.  Now, I never put anyone down or disrespect them but I do tend to be firm and to the point.  If you act five I will treat you like you are five. Sugar coating life is not something that I do and to be frank I think that sugar-coating is like using KY jelly to screw someone gently with your words and actions.  Please!  I know I appreciate it more when people are up front and honest with me no matter how much I don’t want to hear it.  

To give you some history…my daughter lives with me and my husband of 3 years.  She moved back in with me after being gone from me for nearly 4 years.  I always kept in touch but she wanted to live on her own.  She has good work ethic when she has the job, its keeping it that is hard for her.  So after struggling financially and in her relationship she hit rock bottom and back with me it is.  I had of course remarried and things for me had changed.  I have had to tell myself that I cannot enable her as I have in the past.  I know her cycles of mood displacement so well it feels like it is my own mood I am monitoring. Now keep in mind that everything to a person suffering from bi polar disorder is very personal.  They feel attacked instead of taking the advice of others to move on and be in a better place.  They are defensive and you are always the enemy.  Everything bad always happens to them as if there was some cosmic Karma disorder that only happens to them.  So back to this weekend.  She was let go from a position that she enjoyed and I of course understand the feeling.  This can happen to anyone and clearly the environment at work was not great.  It hit her hard when they asked her to get her box of belongings.  If you ask me that place is a dysfunction all in itself. So she tells me she is depressed, and,  well I am assuming that you tell me this to get some help from me.  Even if in the form of listening and maybe give you my opinion.  NOPE, that was not the case.  Might as well just say “hey mom I want to talk AT you but you need to shut the F*&% up and don’t say a word.” Trust me I would appreciate that more, had she said it. Instead she talks and I try to give mom’s wise advice and good God you would have thought I was killing a pig! Apparently my tone of voice and my conversation is lacking empathy on a huge level.  I am mean when I point out the truth  or remind her of things she needs to resolve, such as paying speeding tickets etc…I don’t think it is but it isn’t me I am trying to convince  If there is a way of talking to people with mental health issues please someone help!  Trust me I will try anything at this point.  A few years past I attending a training course for family members of people suffering from mental health disorders.  I believe it was NAMI that held the class.  It was an 8 week class. You name it I have tried it.  I am not one to back down from something I really believe in but at this point what I believe and my sanity do not go hand in hand.  No, I just need to shut up.  She is taking her meds and has been but she refuses to go to a psychiatrist for RX treatment.  She is on the wrongs meds for her right now.  She knows this but is afraid. 

So how do I cope?  Well this weekend I was sick most of the weekend so I had no energy to fight or go up and down no matter how small the roller coaster. In one ear and out the other.  We made plans for Sunday which she of course changed on me with out my knowledge.  The plans were not for my benefit but hers.  I tried something new.  She was going to run an errand and come back so her and I can go shopping for her.  Instead she went to a friends. I cherish ever moment that I can get with my husband, he is a firefighter and don’t see him everyday.  So instead of nagging her I texted her my hours of availability and let her go from there.  I did get a protest of sorts from her but I did not respond.  She came home, not at the time I wanted her to but early on that I had time to spend with my husband.  I  will keep on this new method until it sticks or she blows up as she always does at any change that doesn’t make her the center of attention.  I love her with all my heart and soul and would do anything for her.  But I have learned that doing what you think they want or doing what they want you to do is counter productive.  It creates a level of dependency that is unhealthy and in the end hurts the relationship between people who love each other. For now as Aristotle put it “Happiness depends on ourselves”  

Have a great rest of your day!