Roller Coasters and such

I freaking hate roller coaster!  There is not one part of one that I like.  You wait forever in line for what seems like forever to be on a ride that lasts only a few minutes.  What is the purpose of that?  You wait for someone to push a button and send you off on a very excruciating journey of nausea and deathly fear.  The moment you level off the car plunges to what seems like your death, and you do think your are dead or have been injured in a car wreck.  That was my weekend with my daughter.  I forgot  to mention that episodes come in waves just like the turns and upside down positions of a roller coaster.  What was it this time?  Well she is not working right now for whatever reason and it always seems to be my fault as far as her feelings go.  I never make her feel better or that I really am concerned.  I do admit that I am not and never was one of those moms that baby talks.  I talk according to my mood or conversation, AND according to your age and my level of respect for you.  Now, I never put anyone down or disrespect them but I do tend to be firm and to the point.  If you act five I will treat you like you are five. Sugar coating life is not something that I do and to be frank I think that sugar-coating is like using KY jelly to screw someone gently with your words and actions.  Please!  I know I appreciate it more when people are up front and honest with me no matter how much I don’t want to hear it.  

To give you some history…my daughter lives with me and my husband of 3 years.  She moved back in with me after being gone from me for nearly 4 years.  I always kept in touch but she wanted to live on her own.  She has good work ethic when she has the job, its keeping it that is hard for her.  So after struggling financially and in her relationship she hit rock bottom and back with me it is.  I had of course remarried and things for me had changed.  I have had to tell myself that I cannot enable her as I have in the past.  I know her cycles of mood displacement so well it feels like it is my own mood I am monitoring. Now keep in mind that everything to a person suffering from bi polar disorder is very personal.  They feel attacked instead of taking the advice of others to move on and be in a better place.  They are defensive and you are always the enemy.  Everything bad always happens to them as if there was some cosmic Karma disorder that only happens to them.  So back to this weekend.  She was let go from a position that she enjoyed and I of course understand the feeling.  This can happen to anyone and clearly the environment at work was not great.  It hit her hard when they asked her to get her box of belongings.  If you ask me that place is a dysfunction all in itself. So she tells me she is depressed, and,  well I am assuming that you tell me this to get some help from me.  Even if in the form of listening and maybe give you my opinion.  NOPE, that was not the case.  Might as well just say “hey mom I want to talk AT you but you need to shut the F*&% up and don’t say a word.” Trust me I would appreciate that more, had she said it. Instead she talks and I try to give mom’s wise advice and good God you would have thought I was killing a pig! Apparently my tone of voice and my conversation is lacking empathy on a huge level.  I am mean when I point out the truth  or remind her of things she needs to resolve, such as paying speeding tickets etc…I don’t think it is but it isn’t me I am trying to convince  If there is a way of talking to people with mental health issues please someone help!  Trust me I will try anything at this point.  A few years past I attending a training course for family members of people suffering from mental health disorders.  I believe it was NAMI that held the class.  It was an 8 week class. You name it I have tried it.  I am not one to back down from something I really believe in but at this point what I believe and my sanity do not go hand in hand.  No, I just need to shut up.  She is taking her meds and has been but she refuses to go to a psychiatrist for RX treatment.  She is on the wrongs meds for her right now.  She knows this but is afraid. 

So how do I cope?  Well this weekend I was sick most of the weekend so I had no energy to fight or go up and down no matter how small the roller coaster. In one ear and out the other.  We made plans for Sunday which she of course changed on me with out my knowledge.  The plans were not for my benefit but hers.  I tried something new.  She was going to run an errand and come back so her and I can go shopping for her.  Instead she went to a friends. I cherish ever moment that I can get with my husband, he is a firefighter and don’t see him everyday.  So instead of nagging her I texted her my hours of availability and let her go from there.  I did get a protest of sorts from her but I did not respond.  She came home, not at the time I wanted her to but early on that I had time to spend with my husband.  I  will keep on this new method until it sticks or she blows up as she always does at any change that doesn’t make her the center of attention.  I love her with all my heart and soul and would do anything for her.  But I have learned that doing what you think they want or doing what they want you to do is counter productive.  It creates a level of dependency that is unhealthy and in the end hurts the relationship between people who love each other. For now as Aristotle put it “Happiness depends on ourselves”  

Have a great rest of your day!